The Souls Shade

Here lately I have been experiencing some of the hardest life questions and the emotions that have come as a result of personal loss and trauma.

This blog is deeply personal to me because of the depth of my transparency. When my soul gets to the darkest of shades I grasp for light through transparency in hope that the tormentors of my mind will recoil and give me a sabbatical.

The anchor of the soul mentioned in the text above says that it is one of two immutable promises. First, God cannot lie. Second, we have a anchor to the soul. What is a anchor to the soul? What does having one mean to a believer? I will endeavor to explain what I believe the answer to these questions are.

What is a anchor to the soul? I believe it is a anchor that keeps our minds, wills and emotions from spiraling into long-term destructive behaviors and mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. The soul isn’t just limited to these few incessant torments. There are so many more ways in which the soul or our shade can puppet us.

Even on the cross we see Jesus’ soul crying out saying, “My God, My God why have you forsaken me? Oh the anguish, the groaning and lamenting he felt at what he believed was total abandonment at that point. He heard nothing from heaven in response to his cries. Only the inner screaming of his soul, (mind, will and emotions) was at that moment terrorizing him. It is the same for us.

Through life we all endure pain in its many facets. We don’t know when it will come but because we live in a fallen world it is certain that it will. It is impossible to not experience these things without it changing us and taking something from us each time.

I hurt so deeply because I love so deeply. I can’t even begin to tell you the guttural groanings and depths of horror I have experienced since I was a young child. I have often felt freakish for the contradiction of the two that abides in me; The child of God and my so very raw humanity. I grew up despising myself for my natural tendencies. I begin thinking about suicide at 4 years old. I have fought for my mind, my heart and joy my entire life.

No one would know the depths of the shade in my life. I covered it so well with talent and giftings. I hid in Christ for the strength to be able to put myself on stage to be used to set others free when I was so caged.

When I hear that my soul has a anchor; I see (my soul) as a wild animal on a leash. It can only go so far. The person who achored the wild animal gave it boundaries. There is a seed of faith in me that even though I am going through hell, the Lord will keep my own soul from destroying me. That scripture has kept me going many times after suffering trauma and having ptsd.

Oh precious Jesus. I cannot fathom the depth of love it had to take for Him to leave heaven and its peace to take on the soul of man. I’m completely in tears. He did it on purpose! He became flesh to anchor me! There is much sobbing as I try to imagine the depth of love He has for us. I beg to be freed from this hell and he delivers me by putting it on himself and wearing it on purpose! I pause as I am writing to be awed by this Agape love.

I hope this resonates with a few of you. Those few are why I am here. Why at 2:00 am I lay on my bed sleepless, fighting hopelessness as I type. Precious sufferers don’t give up. He will keep us. He promised.

Always, Jenny